I wouldnt say they are musical magicians or anything, but they can still put on a good show. Is it forcing or is it parenting? I wanted to spend more time with him so he took me golfing with him early in the morning, even though I didnt know how to play. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. Theyve Seen Firsthand How Unhappy Their Parents Are, 3. Things they like, things they sorta like, things they dont like. 6napkinburger You have to do whats best for yourself and your family. Im supposed to make sure shes taking care of herself and shes so grateful that someone cares that much, and the next day Im trying to 'control' her. I read baby sitter club books and was part of the official fan club. He had an inflated sense of self-importance that led him to believe he was superior and entitled to only the best. I always hated fishing growing up, but it meant that I got to spend time with my dad, so I went. If he had been the one to write to me, Id be giving him an earful, believe me), . My other daughter moved out recently into a flat-share with some friends. Its great that the LW naturally shares so much with her daughter, but the girl needs to spend time with her father as well, even if it doesnt seem like the most interesting thing at the time. Substance Abuse and Child Custody | WomansDivorce I Want to Divorce My Unbelievably Selfish Husband - Slate Magazine It has legitimate and, imo, unassailable value in sparking the imaginations and intellectualism of people. . He didnt tell me The Right Stuff was a terrible song, he tried to play me some Beatles or Eagles to open my mind. We didnt have to share the same interests, but it was spending time with each other that mattered. Help her get excited about the real science and history behind the fiction she enjoys. I resented how I wasnt allowed to pursue my own interests, and how the only interaction from my father was doing something he wanted or berating us about not having his interest and how stupid our own interests were. My parents eventually got divorced, and I actually think without that, I might not have such a good relationship with my father (who I am much more like as an adult than my mother) or the family on his side, because of how my mom made it us against him when I was little. Parents have rolled their eyes at teenage pop drek for generations. (My parents zydeco phase was an odd one.) I know my father and I did not share a lot of interests when I was growing up I read a lot and was introverted. His GP should be able to refer him to an appropriate local counsellor or he could contact the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (bacp.co.uk). If youre finding that your husband and daughter dont seem to be getting along, it can be a difficult situation to deal with. Ask Fiona: My husband is driving our kids away, my friend has an Ostensibly through her mother. It is best to talk with a counselor or therapist if you believe there is serious dysfunction in your marriage. Tell you husband to ease up a little bit. And some of that happens by making fun of your child. I dont see the comparison between telling a small child about healthy eating habits and forcing them to eat veggies and this situation. He can take care of himself." Like many women,. He rolls his eyes not at her accomplishments, but her timewasters A rather big difference. There are times I dont have any interest in my husbands hobbies, but I know that if I go with him to a Magic: The Gathering tournament this weekend, hell accompany me to see the new Pixar movie when I want to go. Seriously, this guy is an asshole. And that is kind of ok out of respect, if he hands me the remote, I put on things hed like, not what i like. The opposite gender relationship in a family (IMO) kinda shapes future relationships your daughter may have with boyfriends. I think the dad sounds like kind of a jerk, and heres why growing up (and now, lets be real), I was a total geek for many things, including Star Wars (and I was born in 84, so it was years behind the times for me, too). Jordan was my fave back in the day. Of course, few 12-year-olds are really *excited* to have to read stuff from the Wall Street Journal, or to be asked to do mental math about ROTH versus traditional IRAs. lets_be_honest Youre mad at your dad, not at me! I think visiting an air and space museum if shes interested in Star Trek is a great idea. I do that with everyone I know who likes baseball, which probably makes me annoying, but its what I do. My father (and mother, if I want to be totally honest) would criticize anything that my sister and I had an interest in, regardless of how much value it did or did not have. All rights reserved. He started throwing me out at 13 for reasons like my friend being weird, my hair being weird, my music being terrible, etc. I dont care if they actually do or not, hes the adult and shes the kid here, so he needs to act like it. For one mother, this nightmare is a reality, as her husbands behavior is pushing her daughter away. About Us . This is a throw away account. Spyglassez Again, no. bittergaymark Especially a board game like Cranium where everyone can shine in what theyre good at, and it can be good to pair up with someone youre different from. Obsessed with dolls? 2. I read ahead in my history textbook during class because I liked it so much. But you know what. Maybe hes afraid that if she leaves then she wont return. This breed of intimate relationship dweller does the opposite of maintaining a sane interpersonal environment. Game of Thrones? I planned everything exactly the way he liked and it went down just like I thought it would. Im not gonna say that those novels were the sole reason she and I both ended up with lucrative and fulfilling careers in the hard sciences, or the sole reason why were both great writers and communicators, or the sole reason we didnt have to pay for college (we both got full scholarships). (I threw it all up and cried. I cried myself to sleep. WWS. For every outing he chooses and she doesnt like, they should also choose something together that they can both enjoy (for example, shes into Star Trek and hes into science, so go to a space museum). Its that shes finding she doesnt always like her dad. My husband her step-dad has Always been supportive financially to both my children and loves them like his own. I really think that both your daughter and husband need to learn compromise and I think you are in the very best position to teach this. I hope the LW sees your comment. At that age when your self-esteem is barely functioning (middle school was a bitch for me and most women I know, even if you were cool and confident) I cant imagine how hurtful it must be for her to be mocked. July 15, 2013, 3:00 pm. First and foremost, of course, is the safety of your children. How many parents have to watch a certain movie a million times or have to listen to a certain band on repeat. So now our oldest daughter is 16 and . More my daughter is a student and is not working right now, so i don't have her paying. I agree Dad needs to work on himself and his approach, but Mom definitely does too. Actually, we dont know this girl but based on this letter, I think that the father is very concerned that she isnt well rounded. And LW- anyone who tells you Firefly is not a good show doesnt know what their talking about! The mother is at a loss as to why her husband is driving her daughter away, but she has a few theories. What is arguable? Being a parent is more about shaping your child to be secure, well adjusted, happy (etc!!) Look, Im sorry, but your hand here is rather plainly seen. temperance Rather than the lover-partner-wife-prized companion to be loved and cherished and lavished with attention slot. and hes an attorney, and Im sure the rest of the family wants to stab us). Navigating a situation like this can be difficult, but its important to do what you can to resolve the conflict. You can share your interests in a positive, fun way or you can try to force them on the child and he seems to think that forcing them on the child while belittling her is the way to go. Child Endangerment - a Possibility When Driving Drunk - HG.org Do they really want intimacy but fear that their need will end up in entrapment? Instead, hes insisting on discussing National Geographic articles via reading assignments then criticizes her afterword in escalating arguments. Hah! YUCK. And disparaging his daughters interests is the absolute wrong way to go about that. He does not say that to her but expresses it to me. Well, I feel like I may offer a different perspective on this. my parents made us go to church every Sunday then come home and watch meet the press. Lastly, the article idea isnt a bad one, but hes going about it all wrong. In short, that means they have a common reality they both share, so that each believes the other will see things in approximately the same way. Also, help them find a mutual interest. He may think that if she leaves the home then shell be safe from his alcoholism. This is partly why it can be so challenging to get a cognitively impaired individual to stop driving. Its that shes finding she doesnt always like her dad. During the summer especially, our kids both have homework that may include working on actual homework-like assignments or getting a privilege after answering X number of questions correctly on our American Trivia game (history, pop culture, geography, etc). It gives them a model for their own m, kerrycontrary I simply didnt get it.) Absolutely. Thats awesome! Build him up to your daughter while your opinion still means something to her. 6napkinburger Just like if she says like every other word someone needs to point that out and keep pointing it out until she does something about it. Saying they were weird made me feel like the lesser for having been touched by their stories. They had all sorts of questions about those eras of American history, and we watched a couple of documentaries, and then I get my kids coming in and going, Hey, there was a thing on The History Channel this weekend about Salem, and I made my dad watch it! And then in American history, they were studying colonial America just after we read it, and so I get the history teachers going, Holy shit, thank you! July 2, 2013, 11:56 am. Who knows? FIONA SAYS: It's never too late to change patterns so long as he's willing. It may take years and years before the pay-off is apparent. Your kid may not always enjoy the activities you make them do, but part of being a parent is helping them develop into a good adult. She may not be interested in that stuff NOW, but it can sure come in handy later. (I remember one long drive when i was little where we ran out of all other cds and they suffered through it for a little while and I was happy as a clam, but eventually they couldnt deal with it anymore). Oh and get this, occasionally, I orchestrate it so hes not the asshole no-fun mr knitknots type, and I do unfun things, like make her come serve soup at a homeless kitchen or walk dogs at the SPCA or help our elderly neighbour do various stuff. Theyll sacrifice a perfect moment of tenderness if they feel there is the possibility of a reciprocal expectation lurking behind the scenes. But for practical advice: board games. I dont know why the father doesnt like Star Trek, but shows like Eureka, Warehouse 13, and Revolution are all pretty good cross sections of fangirlyness and science. As a mum who has exactly the same issue, I cant help but feel that this advice missed the point. If he doesnt mind, that would probably be a good show of support to begin with. July 2, 2013, 12:06 pm. Having them spend time alone will foster at least appreciation for each others interests and give them bonding time alone to build the relationship and find common ground now that your daughter is growing up. Whats ok is to have a balance. So you need to be more encouraging of her spending time with him and stop acting like a little club. Also have to add that her father probably doesnt realize it, but at that age I felt like criticism of what I took an interest in was equal to criticism of myself. Wendy, this advice could not have been better. Good luck! Is there a middle ground? He needs to make some fundamental changes to his behaviour. July 2, 2013, 11:57 am. You're surely not alone. Would have I rather been at the mall or curled up on the couch with a good book? Id like you to point out the things that you find fun or interesting along the way so I can see it from your eyesand then next week, the new Star Trek movie is out on DVD, so I would love for you to watch it with me. I completely agree with you on Buffy. July 3, 2013, 2:36 pm. You and your husband are partners and your job is to guide your daughter lovingly into adulthood, giving her all the tools you can to be independent, strong, and self-assured. Nope, not from Scranton. I just have to say, I have NEVER felt comfortable choosing what to watch on tv if Im in the same room as my dad because I know he thinks 95% of what Id want to watch is annoying. I think you should take Wendys advice about showing interest in your husbands hobbies (hoping your daughter will take your lead), but you could also talk to your husband. I mean, you cant FORCE a kid to like camping. So basically my husband has been their father as their biological father rarely sees them,maybe once or twice a year. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2','ezslot_18',131,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2','ezslot_19',131,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2-0_1');.mobile-leaderboard-2-multi-131{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:15px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:15px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:600px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}However, when conflict arises between a parent and child, it can be even more difficult to resolve. It could very well be a phase, too I used to be obsessed with Sailor Moon but you dont still see me walking around in a sailor outfit with a headband on. And not just to me and your husband. Plus he writes strong female characters, which is good for any girl growing up to identify with. My mom hated most of those things and really didnt make an effort to get involved. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. I got the same vibe you did. If he wants her to take an interest in his hobbies, he needs to feign interest in hers. But that he made the effort to give me my interests. Theres got to be at least one thing that the two of them have in common. I get that hes probably feeling left out, but thats not cool. Realize that your child does not have to like your rules, they simply need to find a way to abide by them. July 2, 2013, 11:15 am. I think your daughter will be too, if you listen to Wendy.. That sounds awful, Im, so sorry. I was thinking this too. Well done, as always, my friend. TV Review: Hitler diaries show fake news didn't begin with the internet, Notorious prisoner Charles Bronson to face public parole hearing, Big Issue seller numbers up due to cost-of-living pressures, says founder, Watch for the April 5 investment tax change, Preparing for a future sale of your business, Tom Allen is Completely committed to comedy and 'Auntie Glo', Weekend Q&A: ran Clarke from NI Opera's Nobody/Somebody, Mary Kelly: Unionists' tendency to turn a gift horse into a tin of dogmeat is legendary - and their Westminster chums are getting fed-up with it. Yeah, the letter makes me really concerned for their marriage. Find your shared interests and go from there? Then Id tell you to keep pushing for her to spend time with you. We had some past issues that affected our relationship. Here are 5 common ways I unintentionally pushed my husband away. He wants to force his daughter to conform to the kind of person who enjoys the things that he does, and cutting her down for not being competitive (which usually means involved in team sports) and forcing her to do homework to his liking is not the same as an involved parent working to help his child become well rounded. There are many things I love about my husband. Lastly, he should NEVER tell his daughter that things she likes annoy him. Great lesson to learn from your dad. lets_be_honest I was shocked that a father is rolling his eyes and telling his daughter that her interests annoy him. However, if you do decide to stay together, know that its possible to overcome this obstacle and build a strong family bond. Yours on their own will just isolate her as, frankly, many out there find fangirls and fanboys annoying. My Spouse Verbally and Emotionally Abuses Our Children But are there REALLY that many teen girls into Star Trek? The Substitute Wife: My Poor Husband is a Billionaire novel Chapter 89 Take Them All Away . Perhaps the dad needs his own assignments on theater, literature and pop culture? Tom Pettys Southern Anthem was the first CD I ever owned. So as a clearly NOT fan girl, its pretty good! Agreed. And so does dad. Choose a moment when he seems relaxed and talk with him about your worries. No one ever said that being a parent would be easy, and when your husband and daughter dont get along, it can be especially difficult. Obviously, this is as much your husbands job as it is yours, but right now it seems hes threatened by the bond you share with your daughter and is acting childish. Yes, this is the stuff a 7th grade girl needs to hear to boost her self-esteem. Theres making a light-hearted joke when something is spilled, and then there is telling your child that what makes her happy is stupid. Skyblossom And imagine the lesson you would have learned if your dad had rolled his eyes at your piano recital, etc. 6napkinburger Cant we at least celebrate that the things listed like Harry Potter probably indicate that the daughter is reading a lot of books not a bad thing , lets_be_honest Unless you are from PA, of course. For me there were clues that it went further than that (the wanting her to be competitive and giving her reading assignments for instance), but its possible that because these are her interests too that shes being overly sensitive about it. How the Courts Respond to Parental Substance Use. Why should your husband treat her that way?? I was all set to like this until you said shes only TWELVEshell eventually grow out of the fangirldom. Why is it not ok for adults to like these shows?? But talking about that kind of shit non-stop is just BORING. Their only way out of that entrapment is to keep their partners owing them. I grew up with a dad who I had a lot in common with. Yeah, in retrospect, it probably would have been better for me to join a team sport I actually wanted too, but 7th grade me was too shy to do it. She's madly in love with him but it seems he's no nearer to noticing her feelings than he was when she started. I thought you might like it because of x,y, and z. Heck yeah. Yeah, I wasnt responding so much to Mark re: sports but to culture as a whole. The LWs husband sounds like my father. Watching their relationship blossom into a father-daughter one makes me realize how lucky I was when he became family to us. I assumed my mom was always just mom like. I remember our reaction (me and my bro) when we found out she liked Led Zeppelin . Did I love that stuff? (Its not in the joking way, either, but in the Temperance never gets to choose another movie again way.). Shes not pulling away from the husband because he doesnt have the same interests as her daughter. Go to a murder mystery night and talk about Sherlock. Haha, are you saying I should stop saying that listening to Taylor Swift on repeat is annoying? I think compromise and parental teamwork will go a long way here. If dad were interested in making an effort, he could find some common ground there and use that to tie into what he is interested in. Yes, I know firsthand how much some Buffy fans just need to shut up about that blasted show. Another possibility is that her husband doesnt understand how to connect with his daughter on an emotional level. Sure, he dragged me out on hikes that I hated, and I was a brat and pain during many of them. I think I read this differently than Wendy. You might have started asking yourself, Is this person taunting me on purpose? Older and (hopefully) wiser July 2, 2013, 12:28 pm. Um, no. And I dont think that tv shows a mature, intelligent adult would watch necessarily means they are good shows to watch. What if your partner rolled his eyes and engaged in ever escalating arguments would you keep pushing them together!?! Your biggest enemy when your spouse is driving you crazy is proximity. Or raising a child who should have a bigger perspective about the world and what is going on. It makes them feel safe. So maybe Mom here does need to let go, and open the daughter up to a better relationship with Dad. Shouldnt some autonomy be introduced at an appropriate age? He still clips those articles, and even though he and I are a ways apart politically, I can always trust them to have something well-reasoned and thoughtful to say. But the show as a whole, awesome. July 2, 2013, 12:00 pm, Haha, I know your story honey, and am very jealous of your mom. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, what I'm watching, what I'm reading, Black Agate, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. Her husband could be one of those people. If anything, his dislike for it will help it belong to her more fully as she learns to separate herself from her parents. The way he is reminds me of my dad who, when I was growing up, if I was doing something HE didnt see the value in like I was watching the wrong shows on TV (GARBAGE, hed call it), for example would force me to turn it off. But am I mad at her now? While I do agree that you should be encouraging your daughter to share your husbands interests with him (and that includes showing an interest yourself), LW, I think a lot of this falls onto your husband doing kind of a crappy job at parenting. The daughter will then learn to respond in similar (asking others about their hobbies, showing genuine interest, accepting of differing hobbies). I know I did. I am a huge fan of Pandemic its a co-op game, so you play against the disease and work as a team. My Dad and I had similar interests so it was real easy to build a relationship with him with my sister not so much, he didnt know how to relate to her as she had all the same interests as my mother. Liquid Luck Seriously, have you heard their new stuff? 5 Things to Do When Your Spouse is Driving You Crazy And something about him wanting the daughter to be more competitive just struck me the wrong way. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. They do need the help of their partners to learn to love in this new way. Whatever the reason, an alcoholic father can be very manipulative and controlling. I had and to some extent probably still have some self-esteem issues that stemmed from my dads iffy parenting. For older adults, taking away their driving privileges can be traumatic and can even cause depression. This is actually not difficult. He sounds like a domineering and boring person. July 2, 2013, 4:37 pm. But he can be a great dad regardless. They gave me a mixtape with a whole bunch of different Beatles on it, and I am still a huge Beatles fan to this day. Sometimes it can be a simple matter of communication, or a lack thereof. My dad got me into the Beatles and Hendrix, so I hear that! if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-4','ezslot_15',127,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-4-0');And since she loves you both, it can be tough for her to see you stay in a situation that makes you both so miserable. Ill also add that it needs to be understood that belittling interests and eye-rolling is not okay from the daughter either- if youre seeing it from her to him it needs to end now. So the fact that there are things that he likes doing is a good start, and the fact that he wants to do those things with your daughter is excellent. He needs to learn to be a bit more respectful of his daughters choices and to compromise which would be modeling good behavior for his child to learn. My free advice e-newsletter, Heroic Love, shows you how to avoid the common pitfalls that keep people from finding and keeping romantic love. lets_be_honest Hed had a lot to drink and wanted sex right then. Absolutely Dad! Right, but it didnt seem, to me, like Jennifer was allowing for that distinction. He doesnt have to like Star Trek, but he can respectfully engage her when she talks about this topic. She tells me what her favorite scent is, so I buy it for her for her birthday. (Though I do try to find the stuff I like the best of the stuff he likes.) I think your daughter will be too, if you listen to Wendy. Instead of, I want you to read this by this day, and then well have a talk, how about, I found this and thought it was interesting. Totally agree on the respect issue. And theyre relationship suffered because my dad never made an effort to step up and show interest in what he was interested in. Its also important to take into account your daughters age and stage of development. Isnt there something vampiry that could also lead to a talk about scifi which leads to something the dad may like!?! You do her a disservice by being greedy with her time and attention. See a different horoscope: Select How can I tell my husband he's a terrible driver? If you are involved with a crazy-making partner, dont think youre alone. 2 weeks later his wife tried killing him, leaving him in the hospital for 3 months. He is, however, driven and self-reliant. And also, him treating her with respect and letting her know he values her, well that will also help shape her future relationships where she will know she deserves to be respected, valued and loved. My husband has a son from a previous relationship and my husband treats him sooo badly. WWS, and YOU need to stop pulling away from your husband, because he doesnt have the same interests as your daughter. She is also noncompetitive. Would I have said, at 12 or 13, Hey Dad, hows about a trip to Home Depot on this fine Sunday? Im dying for new people to follow! He should be talking to his wife about how he feels alienated when it is the three of them, but this is an issue between him and his wife. One of my faves is when they all de-evolve into more primitive forms and Worf-monster hunts Picard around the ship. No matter how much mom encourages their relationship, the child is hearing Dad thinks Im stupid..